Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There r osticjed everywhere
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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