So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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