I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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