i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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