just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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