I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
