I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
