I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
