Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
