I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i out mim tonsoeep
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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