How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
