the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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