Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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