You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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