just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize