On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
