Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I queefed so loud it echoed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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