He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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