haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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