My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We need a shit load of segways right now
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
