my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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