I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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