I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
