I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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