walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
