Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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