if i can run in heels then i can drive
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
