Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
