She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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