Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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