My hand turned me down
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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