I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
