You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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