Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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