how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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