youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
