I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I party with great urgency now.
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