Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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