I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
