Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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