Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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