I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
