I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
