Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
