I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
