I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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