I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
