I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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