Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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