nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
