I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
