I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
