The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
