Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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