Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
