I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
